Happy Birthday, Kellie!!!

Happy Birthday, Kellie Staats!!!!!

I've been following a blog of a gal named Kellie for quite a while now. Kellie lost her 4 month old baby girl to SIDS. Maddie is now a beautiful angel who watches over her mommy and daddy. Maddie's story has touched the hearts of many people, but especially mine!

Thanks to Kellie, I stop and kiss my kids more often. I don't let the messiness of my house get to me and I remember to laugh with my kids more often.

All Kellie wants for her birthday is her Maddie-bug back. I wish I could walk up to Heaven and bring her back because as a mother I couldn't imagine that unbearable pain! So instead Kellie wanted her friends to write a blog about Maddie as a gift to her.

Please look at your kids and laugh, hug them extra tight, give them tons of kisses! Tomorrow isn't guaranteed so live today like it's your last!

Reminders

Here's what keeps me going every single day...these sweet little faces :) They are growing so fast and are so sweet. They love each other so much. I hope they grow up and have a close relationship. Addison is very protective of Kale and he watches her every single move. Both of them are amazing to me and I love them both very much!

Addison is really starting to seem more like a little girl rather than a baby. She told me the other day that Justin Bieber is amazing...I about died laughing! She's becomming very opinionated on what she wears and how she wears her hair. She loves having her nails done and wearing jewelery. Sometimes I look at her and she reminds me exactly of how I was as a little girl. She loves playing baby dolls and is very motherly. I love that she loves dance as much as I did....she wants to be on So You Think You Can Dance!

Kale is turning into such a big boy! He had his 9 month check up this week and he's perfect! He weighs 17 pounds 8 ounces and is 27 inches long! He's on the small side but so was Addison. He's so close to crawling...he crawls backwards and scoots or rolls everywhere. He's also pulling himself up to stand in his crib and at the couch! Thankfully he still doesn't have any teeth because he still breastfeeds!!! 

I wish I could say life has settled down and that things are getting better, but they aren't. In fact, they've only gotten worse. Nothing is what is was and things will never go back to the way they were. It's pretty hard for me to swallow lately. I feel sick a lot because of all the stress of my parents divorce. It seems like I get headaches a lot. I'm considering calling my doctor to see if I could get a recommendation for a counselor. Maybe someone with an unbiased opinion could help give me advice.

Anyway, to the left is a picture of my niece Jaci, Addison, and Kale. I love taking pictures...I wish I was better at it! And I wish I knew how to use my camera better, lol! I got a really cool editing program called Camera Bag. It's really fun to mess around with and see what the different filters do!

{Family}

Here's my family on Addison's recital night. She did so amazing!!! I absolutely beam with joy when I see her dancing on stage and singing her dance song. She practices at home all the time. She loves dance and tumbling so much!!! Preparing for rehearsal and recital helped to take things off my mind for a little while.

I wish I could say things have changed but they haven't. I still feel like crying all the time...like I can't take a deep breath...like my world is crumbling. Some of you think this may sound dramatic but my family has always been what has molded me and made me who I am. If my family isn't together, then who am I? I know I'm still a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, etc. But if my parents aren't together, then what? I don't know what to even say after that...My parents aren't together but they both still love me even though it feels like one of them has moved on without us. They swear they haven't but it doesn't change how I feel.

I still hold firm on my belief that divorce is harder on adult children than it is on younger children. When a young childs parents divorce, they don't have to choose a side because it is chosen for them and custody is set up. As an adult, I'm not spared or shielded from any details. It may not seem fair, but I'm afraid that if I don't listen then neither of them have anyone to confide in. I know it isn't my job but I still listen.

Every single day is getting harder and I'm feeling angrier. I have considered calling my family doctor for a referral to talk to a counselor. An unbiased party might be able to help me. Kris and my kids are what's keeping me going right now. I told Kris I could pack up everything we have and get us all in the car and drive far away and never look back. Unrealistic, yes, but very tempting right now.

Tomorrow is my graduation party and I'm dreading it. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I begged my parents to cancel it but they spent too much money to do that. I guess for the three hours that I will be around people, I will put on my happy face and accept the congratulations all while knowing they're wondering what's wrong.

Through all of this I will continue to glorify God and the blessings He has given me.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.... Romans 12:12

The world may not have ended...but part of mine did

Here are the loves of my life! We were in Chicago for my Master's graduation from Saint Xavier University. Unfortunately, Kale got sick and I decided it was best to bring him home to see a doctor. I was pretty upset about missing the ceremony but my kids come before everything! We had a good time in Chicago. We took the kids downtown and Addison got a new American Girl doll and some accessories. We also had fun at the Disney Store and got popcorn from Garrett's (best. popcorn. ever.) and had dinner at Rainforest Cafe. We tried to relax while we were there since Addison was only a little over a week out of her surgery. Both kids were troopers on the ride up there and on the ride home. I'm so thankful and blessed to have these three amazing people in my life. I don't know what I would do without them.

So the world was predicted to end yesterday...or atleast the beginning of the end. Well we're all still here! However, my life is going through some major changes. Part of my world is ending that I never thought would.

After 27 years of marriage, my parents are getting a divorce. I won't go into details for the sake of those involved. I don't know how to feel right now. I'm so sad and mad and frustrated. I am being pulled into the middle and I don't want to be. I love both of my parents but I'm soooooo angry right now. It's affecting my attitude and not in a good way. Sometimes I snap at Kris and then have to stop and remember that this isn't his fault.

Is divorce harder on kids or adults? Kris and I have been debating this since I got the news. His parents divorced when he was ten and was moved around a lot until they settled in East Peoria. Growing up he was used to spending weekends with his dad and the rest of the time with his mom. He was young and it became the only life he knew. The only life I've ever known was the one where my parents were married. I know all relationships have their ups and downs. I've seen my parents battle the worst storms and come out of it stronger. I want to believe that this is a mid life crisis but I'm not sure if it is. My whole life is changing and I don't handle change very well. Right now I want to take Kris, Addison, and Kale (and I guess Max can come, lol) and move far, far away from here. I know I can't run from my problems but I feel like I'm being suffocated by them right now. In the past three weeks my dad's sister died, the next day the divorce news was sprung on me, my parents couldn't make it to Chicago for my graduation, and then Kale was sick so I missed my own graduation. What else is going to be thrown at me? These emotions are getting the best of me...and my Zoloft isn't doing the trick!

I have to let go and let God do his work. I look around me and have to literally remind myself that I'm so lucky to have a great husband, a nice home, two healthy kids and a family who loves me. My parents divorce isn't in spite of me or because of me, but it still hurts. It hurts bad. But there are things that could hurt worse. Everyday I think about parents who have lost a child and I can't imagine that pain.

As you can probably see, I don't know how to feel right now. I'm a blob of emotions and I'm trying to live every day life the best I can.

Welcome to the club!

Well...today was the day that we dreaded and it's now over! Addison has officially joined the "No Tonsils" club!

Last night was my Exhibition for my Master's program. It's the final detail where the graduates display their research and findings on a trifold board and talk about their project to anyone who stops at their table. I was so stressed out about getting all of that stuff done that it kept me from thinking too much about Addison's surgery. But when she came to my Exhibition last night, it hit me. She looked so beautiful in her pale pink dress shirt and loose curls in her hair. She is the picture of absolute beauty to me. As she twirled around I got choked up. I couldn't imagine my life without her. How do parents lose their children and ever move on??? When the Exhibition was over I went home and she was laying in my bed watching cartoons. When I went to take her a cookie about 30 minutes later, she was completely crashed. I just stood there and looked at her...carmel hair and gorgeous skin. I wanted so badly to take her in my arms and hold her and tell her everything will always be okay and that I love her no matter what. And that's exactly what I did. Then I took her in her room and put her pajamas on her and tucked her in.

Morning came too soon (as usual). Kale woke me up at 5:30 to nurse. I decided to take a shower and do my hair and make-up. When it was time for Addison to wake up, I got her up the same way she gets me up every morning: I crawled into her bed and snuggled up to her. When it was time to go, she decided to wear her Hannah Montana comfy pants from Aunt Lacey and a long sleeve t-shirt. Oh, and of course a bow :) When we got to the hospital she was pretty quiet. They did the typical height, weight, blood pressure and heart check. It ended up being another hour and forty-five minutes before the anesthesiologist and nurse came and took her back to the OR. I took one last look at her...skinny little legs, long hair, blue eyes. I kissed her and told her I loved her. She went sooooo bravely with the nurse. During our wait, I nursed Kale again and tried to get him to sleep. I was also in need of a serious caffeine fix! It was only about an hour later when the doctor came out and said everything went just as planned and that she'd be coming out of recovery very soon. When we walked back the nurse was carrying her and she was crying for me. I took her in my arms and held her and smelled her hair. She sat on my lap and ate two orange popsicles and then needed to go potty. I took her in there and she said, "Get. Me. The. Hell. Outta Here!!!" I had to purse my lips together so I didn't giggle. All she wanted to do was go home.

So here we sit...on the couch cuddled up together watching Beethoven (yes, the big dog movie). I couldn't imagine not having her (or Kale) and am thankful to God for watching over her. I'm anxious to hear from her point of view what she remembers. Right now I'm trying to keep her from using her voice too much :) Thank you to anyone who said a quick prayer for Addison...she really appreciates it!!!

As seasons do, this too shall pass....

What a rough couple of past weeks! Kale has been so fussy lately! The other night he was up every 15 minutes. He's had a runny nose, fever, fussiness, and he chews on everything! I know he's teething and he's in pain! He has bitten me a few times while nursing and it's pretty painful...just wait until he actually has teeth! On top of that, Addison has had selective hearing. She's testing my patience and I won't let her win. She knows exactly how to push my buttons and I'm learning not to give her any satisfaction. So, she's had a few time-outs and has spent a lot of time in her room. I will not be one of those moms who doesn't discipline her kids...she knows how to behave but sometimes I have to remind her. Her surgery is 6 days away and I know she's having some fears. She had to have some blood drawn last week and I made Kris take her. I wouldn't have been able to handle seeing her in that much pain. A month ago she got a booster shot of some sort and she laid on the floor and screamed "They shot me in the legs!!!" I couldn't help but laugh because it was a funny scene. But I knew the blood draw wouldn't be funny. It took Kris and two nurses to hold her down. We tried to give her a pep talk. I told her there are sick kids around here who have to deal with needles and shots every day. That made her think and she later told me it made her sad that kids get sick. Her reflecting on what I say is one way I'm reminded that I'm doing a good job with her. She does listen to what I say and takes it to heart.

I will update after Addison's surgery. I know she will be fine. I've loaded her up with new coloring books and puzzles and DVD's! Prayers are always welcome!!!

A good mom...

My two babies....look at them. The most perfect, precious, innocent sweeties I know. This picture was taken the day after Kale was born. I would lay my life down for these two if it meant saving them. I would gladly take away any pain these two will ever go through...I know pain and life lessons only make a person stronger, but as their mother, I can't stand seeing my babies in pain or upset. I've been following the blog of a mom who lost her baby at 4 months old to SIDS. She is so strong in dealing with this tragedy. I'm not sure I could ever get out of bed again because my life would be over. I also have a friend who lost her son to cancer after watching him battle it most of his short life. Another brave mom that I look up to.
I'm sure most of you have seen my recent statuses on facebook about moms not spending time with their children. This frustrates me because the other moms I mentioned would do ANYTHING to have one more day with their babies. I've been told I was a little harsh in my comments. I disagree...I was truthful. These so called moms need to focus more on their children then what party they're going to next or who they will sleep with next. I completely agree that moms need a break for some alone time...personally, I love to sit in a steaming hot bath and read a book. This is usually interrupted by Addison wanting to come in and wash my back for me :) But there comes a point when a moms "me" time exceeds the amount of time she spends with her child/ren. I don't call that a mom. But this is just my opinion.

Anyway, an update on my family. Kale has started more solids and is doing great. He pretty much likes everything I've given him, especially pumpkin. I try to only give him organics. He had a really bad rash this week from me switching fabric softeners. Luckily, I don't think it bothered him too much. It just looked awful though. And my Addison....my sweet Addison! She says the funniest things! She came in from playing outside the other night and said, "Mom, I'm so flushed!" She just cracks me up!!!

I finished reading a book last week called Heaven Is For Real. I highly recommend it!!! The faith of a child is so pure. We can really learn so much from a child!