{Family}

Here's my family on Addison's recital night. She did so amazing!!! I absolutely beam with joy when I see her dancing on stage and singing her dance song. She practices at home all the time. She loves dance and tumbling so much!!! Preparing for rehearsal and recital helped to take things off my mind for a little while.

I wish I could say things have changed but they haven't. I still feel like crying all the time...like I can't take a deep breath...like my world is crumbling. Some of you think this may sound dramatic but my family has always been what has molded me and made me who I am. If my family isn't together, then who am I? I know I'm still a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, etc. But if my parents aren't together, then what? I don't know what to even say after that...My parents aren't together but they both still love me even though it feels like one of them has moved on without us. They swear they haven't but it doesn't change how I feel.

I still hold firm on my belief that divorce is harder on adult children than it is on younger children. When a young childs parents divorce, they don't have to choose a side because it is chosen for them and custody is set up. As an adult, I'm not spared or shielded from any details. It may not seem fair, but I'm afraid that if I don't listen then neither of them have anyone to confide in. I know it isn't my job but I still listen.

Every single day is getting harder and I'm feeling angrier. I have considered calling my family doctor for a referral to talk to a counselor. An unbiased party might be able to help me. Kris and my kids are what's keeping me going right now. I told Kris I could pack up everything we have and get us all in the car and drive far away and never look back. Unrealistic, yes, but very tempting right now.

Tomorrow is my graduation party and I'm dreading it. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I begged my parents to cancel it but they spent too much money to do that. I guess for the three hours that I will be around people, I will put on my happy face and accept the congratulations all while knowing they're wondering what's wrong.

Through all of this I will continue to glorify God and the blessings He has given me.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.... Romans 12:12

The world may not have ended...but part of mine did

Here are the loves of my life! We were in Chicago for my Master's graduation from Saint Xavier University. Unfortunately, Kale got sick and I decided it was best to bring him home to see a doctor. I was pretty upset about missing the ceremony but my kids come before everything! We had a good time in Chicago. We took the kids downtown and Addison got a new American Girl doll and some accessories. We also had fun at the Disney Store and got popcorn from Garrett's (best. popcorn. ever.) and had dinner at Rainforest Cafe. We tried to relax while we were there since Addison was only a little over a week out of her surgery. Both kids were troopers on the ride up there and on the ride home. I'm so thankful and blessed to have these three amazing people in my life. I don't know what I would do without them.

So the world was predicted to end yesterday...or atleast the beginning of the end. Well we're all still here! However, my life is going through some major changes. Part of my world is ending that I never thought would.

After 27 years of marriage, my parents are getting a divorce. I won't go into details for the sake of those involved. I don't know how to feel right now. I'm so sad and mad and frustrated. I am being pulled into the middle and I don't want to be. I love both of my parents but I'm soooooo angry right now. It's affecting my attitude and not in a good way. Sometimes I snap at Kris and then have to stop and remember that this isn't his fault.

Is divorce harder on kids or adults? Kris and I have been debating this since I got the news. His parents divorced when he was ten and was moved around a lot until they settled in East Peoria. Growing up he was used to spending weekends with his dad and the rest of the time with his mom. He was young and it became the only life he knew. The only life I've ever known was the one where my parents were married. I know all relationships have their ups and downs. I've seen my parents battle the worst storms and come out of it stronger. I want to believe that this is a mid life crisis but I'm not sure if it is. My whole life is changing and I don't handle change very well. Right now I want to take Kris, Addison, and Kale (and I guess Max can come, lol) and move far, far away from here. I know I can't run from my problems but I feel like I'm being suffocated by them right now. In the past three weeks my dad's sister died, the next day the divorce news was sprung on me, my parents couldn't make it to Chicago for my graduation, and then Kale was sick so I missed my own graduation. What else is going to be thrown at me? These emotions are getting the best of me...and my Zoloft isn't doing the trick!

I have to let go and let God do his work. I look around me and have to literally remind myself that I'm so lucky to have a great husband, a nice home, two healthy kids and a family who loves me. My parents divorce isn't in spite of me or because of me, but it still hurts. It hurts bad. But there are things that could hurt worse. Everyday I think about parents who have lost a child and I can't imagine that pain.

As you can probably see, I don't know how to feel right now. I'm a blob of emotions and I'm trying to live every day life the best I can.

Welcome to the club!

Well...today was the day that we dreaded and it's now over! Addison has officially joined the "No Tonsils" club!

Last night was my Exhibition for my Master's program. It's the final detail where the graduates display their research and findings on a trifold board and talk about their project to anyone who stops at their table. I was so stressed out about getting all of that stuff done that it kept me from thinking too much about Addison's surgery. But when she came to my Exhibition last night, it hit me. She looked so beautiful in her pale pink dress shirt and loose curls in her hair. She is the picture of absolute beauty to me. As she twirled around I got choked up. I couldn't imagine my life without her. How do parents lose their children and ever move on??? When the Exhibition was over I went home and she was laying in my bed watching cartoons. When I went to take her a cookie about 30 minutes later, she was completely crashed. I just stood there and looked at her...carmel hair and gorgeous skin. I wanted so badly to take her in my arms and hold her and tell her everything will always be okay and that I love her no matter what. And that's exactly what I did. Then I took her in her room and put her pajamas on her and tucked her in.

Morning came too soon (as usual). Kale woke me up at 5:30 to nurse. I decided to take a shower and do my hair and make-up. When it was time for Addison to wake up, I got her up the same way she gets me up every morning: I crawled into her bed and snuggled up to her. When it was time to go, she decided to wear her Hannah Montana comfy pants from Aunt Lacey and a long sleeve t-shirt. Oh, and of course a bow :) When we got to the hospital she was pretty quiet. They did the typical height, weight, blood pressure and heart check. It ended up being another hour and forty-five minutes before the anesthesiologist and nurse came and took her back to the OR. I took one last look at her...skinny little legs, long hair, blue eyes. I kissed her and told her I loved her. She went sooooo bravely with the nurse. During our wait, I nursed Kale again and tried to get him to sleep. I was also in need of a serious caffeine fix! It was only about an hour later when the doctor came out and said everything went just as planned and that she'd be coming out of recovery very soon. When we walked back the nurse was carrying her and she was crying for me. I took her in my arms and held her and smelled her hair. She sat on my lap and ate two orange popsicles and then needed to go potty. I took her in there and she said, "Get. Me. The. Hell. Outta Here!!!" I had to purse my lips together so I didn't giggle. All she wanted to do was go home.

So here we sit...on the couch cuddled up together watching Beethoven (yes, the big dog movie). I couldn't imagine not having her (or Kale) and am thankful to God for watching over her. I'm anxious to hear from her point of view what she remembers. Right now I'm trying to keep her from using her voice too much :) Thank you to anyone who said a quick prayer for Addison...she really appreciates it!!!